God...

...is just ridiculous.  I mean, let's be real here, He's crazy.


I'm not trying to blasphemous, or crass, or whatever.  I'm merely stating that...by our standards, God is completely ridiculous.  He's so....patient.  And loving. And merciful. And gracious. And what the hell is He thinking??


I mean, does He know me?  Does He know YOU?? Has He not been wearing His glasses for the last...oh, I don't know...couple thousand years?? Have we managed to sneak our actions past Him?


Part of the reason I have been so frustrated with God is that all that seems to be the case!  I can sit in front of my tv or radio for no less than 5 minutes and see that the world is screwed up. We as people are screwed up.  The bride of Christ, His church, is leading the pack, and yet...He let's us continue on.  I didn't understand this.  


Back in 2007, I was preparing to attend a Christian event, where I honestly thought that God was going to open up parts of the earth and swallow it whole.  And you know what? I was okay with that.  I asked Him for it even! I was lit with this righteous indignation, filled with a holy fury.  I was angry with Him for sitting up there doing 'nothing' for so long, and I was SURE that this was the time He was going to act.


What I was expecting didn't happen. So I got upset. Classic toddler like temper tantrum. I was so disappointed in Him. I cried and cried, and began to question His power at all. 


It didn't occur to me that maybe God was showing His power off at it's best.


The power to stand and watch as His beloved slowly kills herself.


From the very beginning, He gave us free will, so we could choose to love Him. He did this, knowing that it would come back to bite Him.  He did this, knowing that He would have to sit on His hands and watch us choose things that would lead to our destruction.  What power is in that! 


If it were me, I'd design it whatever way would be easiest for me.  I'd design it so that things would work out the best for ME in the long run.  I'd work it up so that I wouldn't have to do anything but relish the love and adoration of the people I created.


But He didn't.  God took the hard road.  He gave us free will, knowing that we'd chose things other than Him.  He set Himself up for continuous re-runs of the same ol' same ol'.  Stripped of all the religious jargon, that's really the gist of it. 


Which leads me back to my original thought.


God. is. crazy.


They say "love is blind".  But I don't think that's true.  I think, "love is crazy".  Crazy enough to deal with the ugly, in the hope for those moments of returned adoration. That's what my life is after all, just a moment in the whole big picture.  Just a little blip.


God is crazy enough to think that this "blip" is worth paying attention to.  I guess it's my job to make sure it's something worth watching.

Two Things...

A lot has happened since I wrote last. Okay, so honestly...not that much has happened. But one BIG thing certainly has. You all ready for this? 

"Thing...Number One"-- Chelsea. is. going. to. church.

Did you just pass out? Gah, I had a feeling that was going to happen. I apologize if I startled you.  It's a pretty scary turn of events for me as well.  Whodathunkit, right?

It's kind of a long story, one I'm not too keen on inputting here, but we (my husband and I) are going to be getting involved with the church of a longtime family friend.  We've been around this ministry for a while, and visited a solid half a dozen times.  The pastor of this church did a lot of counseling with Jeremy and I before we got married, and we respect him.  Pretty good foundation, just with that eh?  Yeah, I thought so too.

I don't know, it's all kind of strange.  For the last 2 years, I've been so completely against church.  Not that I judged or begrudged anyone who attended, but I sure wasn't ready to take a similar plunge. Now here I am, just a few weeks later, and I met with said pastor today to ask how we go about getting involved.

Yeah, that's right.  Not only am I going to church, I'm committing myself entirely.  As I told the pastor today...I'm honestly terrified.  In the last ten years alone, I've been through three different churches, each ending in their own horrific way.  The idea of becoming involved in a group, and once again giving myself entirely to it's mission (which, is a pretty standard theological Christian practice, don't you think?) is pretty scary.  But I know that if I don't just jump in, I'm going to stand on the edge forever, warily dipping my toes in.  My feeling is that if I'm gonna do it, I might as well DO it.  Besides...I'm pretty sure the Bible has a thing or two to say about living your life in a "lukewarm" fashion, none of which ends well for the "lukewarm-ee".

(lukewarm-ee = toe dipper)

"Thing...Number Two"-- Responsibility

Two times in the past 5 days, I've heard people talking about responsibility.  I don't know about you, but I've tried to shy away from that particular word for a long...long...time.  Not to say I'm not a responsible person! (we're all works in progress though, right?)  I'm also not saying that I don't like taking responsibility for my actions.  If I messed something up, I'll be the first to admit it!  But when it comes to stuff that happens TO me, I'm much more likely to point the finger.  

I was having coffee with a friend today, and she said something that really stuck with me all day. After she said it, I told her there was probably a sermon in there somewhere! Now I'm hoping that she won't mind that I'm kind of pulling it out right now. Here's what she said...

"There is freedom in taking responsibility."

I've heard this before, but today, in the context in which she shared it...it hit me in a new place. I'll explain from my personal experiences...

I have to take responsibility for my own actions and feelings during each of these "church" experiences. 

Yeah, people got stupid.  Yeah, I got hurt.  I'm not belittling that in the least, but enough time has now passed that I can look at it more objectively.  I can admit that I was naive, and actually pretty stupid myself.  I set those people up on a pedestal where no mere man belongs.  I didn't make them "gods" in my eyes, but I did set them up for failure.  

I set them up to disappoint me.  Does that make sense?  By elevating their post/status/position in my head, I set them apart from myself, and subconsciously or not, expected more from them.  When in reality, they...just like myself...have fallen short of the glory of God.  No title, position, or status can save you from that.  

So when it happened, I was crushed.  Then it happened again. More crushing.  Then again. At that point, I was obliterated.  I swore off church. But in the end, that only hurt me! The churches of central Virginia weren't crying and gnashing their teeth because I wasn't in attendance!  Heck, they didn't even know I was missing! Here I thought I was really sticking it to them...but my anger and bitterness didn't phase them a bit. Funny how that works.

All that being said, (and yes, this has gotten long...thanks for sticking with it) I'm hereby taking responsibility for my own actions regarding my church past. I'm not ignoring the fact that mean things were said, and horrible things done.  Those things can't just be completely forgotten.  But I'm hoping that this is just one more step towards my ultimate freedom from all this.  Because I want that freedom. 

I'm going to sign off here, but I want to give you some advice.  Take it to heart or not, this is indeed only a blog.

Don't be afraid to take responsibility for the things that have happened in your life.  Doing so isn't excusing the bad stuff.  It's not letting the bad guys get away with anything.  It's not even about accepting the "blame" for something.  But I feel like, for me...it is about moving on.  It's about letting go.  It's about learning and growing.  I can't hold myself responsible for how others treat me. But I do have to own up to my feelings, my words, my actions.

So yeah. Here we are. One more step down.  Hmm, make that 2 steps actually.  After all, I will be in church again this Sunday. :-)

Ripping off my rear view mirror

You know those random “lightbulb” moments, as I like to call them, where you just see something for what it really is? Yeah, definitely just had one of those.

Throughout this whole “progress”, I’ve been looking behind me.  Going over the past again and again, in hopes of finally getting through the crap it left me with.  I wanted to get over these events that hardened me towards God.  I wanted to let go of these people who hurt me.  But I’ve done neither of those things!  All I’ve done is get sucked back in by all the disappointments, hurt, and anger.  Well you tell me…how productive is that?

Crap happens.  It does.  And yes, I let it change me.  But why the heck do I think that going back over it with a fine tooth comb is going to give me some divine moment of clarity that makes it all better??  I’m not a betting woman, but ten bucks says I could do that for the rest of my life…and never really move forward.  Isn’t that what I want? To move forward? To make progress?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

What am I progressing to? I don’t know.  Where will this journey end?  No idea.  I don’t know who I want to be.  Or where I want to be.  But who cares?  I don’t have to know my destination to get in the car and get the hell outta dodge. 

No more looking in the rearview mirror.  Yeah, all that made me the person I am now.  But that’s all I can say for it.  To continue to let it define me is giving waaaaaaaay too much power to some crappy people and crappy situations. 

Not to mention that God must be ready to slap me upside the head for all this.

Geesh, I actually feel a ton of sympathy for Him.  I haven’t been the easiest person to live with.  I’ve given Him the cold shoulder more often than not.  I’ve ignored Him every time He’s reached out to me.  I’ve put human characteristics on Him that He totally doesn’t deserve, or even qualify for.  Why on earth does He continue to put up with me?

Because He’s freakin awesome.  That’s why.  Because He sees something in me that I don’t have the strength to see in myself.

Well I’m over all that.  God is awesome.  And you know what?  I really miss Him. 

So I’ve ripped off my rearview mirror, and given it a very un-ceremonious burial in the backyard.  Here’s to a new beginning.  

*and we all said-- It's about freaking time.*

Day I don't know: Rascal Flatts

You know how there's those songs that just literally take you back to an exact moment in your past?  Those first few notes play, and suddenly you're transported.  You can see, feel, and smell exactly what you did when you heard that song for the first...second...twentieth time.

Rascal Flatts does that for me.  Every. Single. Time.

It's honestly the craziest thing.  Any one of 10, 20, 30 songs can start playing, and my spirit literally surges!  Why is that?  Truth be told, the days when I was first introduced (and fell madly in love with) Rascal Flatts were some of my darkest to date.  I listened to those three albums over and over, in an attempt to feel closer to that one special person.  Which, in case you're wondering, worked.  At least on MY side of things.  But anyway...

I think this powerful affect Rascal Flatts has on me has something to do with the person I was when I was first introduced to them.  I spent hours writing each day, and I was so. unbelievably. close. to God.  We were honestly and truly inseparable.  I really did pray without ceasing, without thinking anything about it.

Some of my favorite memories of that time in my life occurred during summer.  I'd mow our family's yard, riding on that lawn mower with Rascal Flatt's blaring in my ears.  I prayed the whole time.  Every minute.  Countless hours of prayer went up for all my friends, family, heck...even acquaintances.

Anyway, all that to say...it's been a while since I've gone back and listened to their older stuff.  But this week, after having a very intense "come to Jesus" experience last weekend, I've found myself drawn to them.  Perhaps I'm being drawn to my old memories, those old feelings.  If you could crawl inside my head when those songs start to play...you wouldn't blame me for indulging myself.  It's a good thing.

It makes me want to be that girl again.

Not necessarily the girl who pined for the love of a boy who wasn't ready to love her back.

But for the girl who lived wholeheartedly connected with her Maker.

I honestly do miss that girl.  I can't help but wonder if I'll ever find her again.

"Now You're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you."
--Rascal Flatts "Day Before You"

So maybe I'll just keep listening to those old songs.  I'll let myself be transported back to a time where I liked myself more than I do now.

Because...I'll be darned...but when those songs are playing, I really can imagine myself as that girl again.
I want to be that girl again.  More than anything, I really do. I'm tired of carrying on like this. I'm tired of not living up to my full potential.  I'm mad that I've let myself live this way for this long.  It's time for a change.

"Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand."
--Rascal Flatts "Stand"

Day 49: Disappointed

When I started this blog I had this grand illusion that I’d write here everyday.  Yes, well.  We’ve seen how that’s worked out.  It kind of annoys me sometimes that I can’t commit to something like this.  I mean, when I sign up for something, I’m all or nothing.  At least when it comes to my jobs, churches, and relationships.  I can’t seem to give myself the same dedication. 

I’ve said earlier that I was disappointed by God.  This may seem blasphemous, as one of the “go to” phrases for Christians is, “He’ll never leave you nor forsake you.”…which, for some reason, translates to…God’ll never let you down.  But that’s not true.  Because He will.  In a sense anyway.

We’re humans.  Sure, we’re made in the image of God and all, but we have these horribly human-ish hang ups.  One of them being this whole, “expectation” thing.  We say a prayer, and we expect it to be like pixie dust, making everything in our world right.  We expect God to never disappoint us.  But I think that’s an impossible hope.  Because somewhere along the way, we’re going to have a wrong expectation.  We’re going to expect God to be a genie, or a magician.  We expect Him to do what we think, at the time, is best. 

For instance, I was part of a group of Christians, who had this fantastic vision.  Our hearts were in the right place, or so I thought.  When we didn’t succeed, I was mad at God.  I had figured that He’d be behind us, and help us get there.  But He didn’t.  I was let down.  I felt like He wasn’t all that He said He would be, for me.

But that’s on me.  Not Him.  By expecting Him to do the thing I want Him to, I put Him in a box.  If He dares to do something contrary to that, I blame Him for it.  When really, who the heck do I think I am…only giving Him one course of action?  He’s GOD, for pete’s sake! 

Now am I going to LIKE every thing He does? Heeeeellllll no.  Example: I don’t like that He made women have a period every month.  I don’t like that He didn’t heal my Papa of cancer.  I don’t like that He made mice.  I don’t like that I have to struggle with Diabetes, when I KNOW that He could have prevented it.

 

Yeah, I can sit here and say the typical Christian-ese stuff.

“God sees the big picture, while I only see a little. He knows what He’s doing.”

“God won’t give me more than I can handle.”

“God knew this was coming, I have to believe that He’ll work it out.”

The truth is though, I’m disappointed that this is happening to me.  I’m frustrated that God isn’t taking care of me better.  He’s GOD, and I expected more of Him.

That’s the thing though.  He’s God.  Not Walt Disney’s idea of a Genie.

Who am I to tell Him what to do, where to be, and what to say?

Is it His fault that I’m frustrated with Him?  No.  It’s mine.  I have to let go of my own hang-ups.  My own expectations.  I’m not in charge.  I gave up control when I invited Him in.  Now I gotta trust Him to do the very best He can with it, whether I like it or am comfortable with it. That’s where that verse comes in to play

.

Deuteronomy 31:6-“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Because that’s the truth.  When I gave my life to Him, He took it.  He’s holding me very carefully, and I don’t have to worry about ever being alone again.  With that, comes the chance of being disappointed. Simply because I’m not the one in the driver’s seat.

Personally, I’m seeing the advantages to being driven around by the God of the universe.  Even if He makes some side trips for detours that I really hadn’t planned on!  He’s still in control, and He’s still got my best interest at heart.  He continues to love me through the temper tantrums I throw in the back seat, and stays quiet while I call Him all kinds of names for not doing what I wanted.  He lets me get it out of my system, then says, “Okay, well look where I’m taking you now.”  Ten out of ten times, it’s better.

And I should really know better by now.  I mean, He is God after all.

Day 7: Observations

1: I know that I’m horribly judgmental of Christians.  I’m not sure whether this is okay or not.  Some Christians think it’s wrong to judge anyone.  Others think we can only judge those IN the church, since Paul said that God would take care of those OUTside the church.  (1 Cor. 5:12-13)  But that bothers me too.  I don’t have the answer, and I know its wrong of me to have this awful “bent” towards Christians…but I do.  It’s there.  Maybe it’s because I’ve lived my whole life being judged by my fellow believers, so it’s just the natural thing to reciprocate.  Maybe I’m so hard on Christians because I feel like we’re sometimes a big fat farce, hiding behind the name of Jesus. 

Whatever the reason behind it may be…I’m pretty sure it’s not okay.  I have this awesome compassion for un-churched people.  For sinners and screwups.  But I can’t turn that same compassion onto my fellow believers.  It’s like it’s not there.  I’m starting to think that that is really hypocritical of me.  I can accept that Jesus loves the least of these…but have a problem thinking about Him being okay with His own followers?  The people who have actually chosen Him?  Yeah, that’s messed up.  I’ve got to get over that.  Because period dot, end of story, Jesus died for everyone.  He loves us all. Prostitute or Deacon.  Worship Leader or Drug dealer. Homosexual or Youth Pastor.  If I truly want to love like He does, and I do, then I gotta lay down my prejudices about the people He’s called to His service.  Even if they do act like donkey butts half the time.

2: Right on the heels of that observation, is this: I’ve been viewing God through the pain and bitterness I feel towards His people.  Now is that just the most stupid thing you’ve ever heard? 

I was riding home the other night when I realized it.  I can’t remember what spurred the thought, but it hit me that I wasn’t being fair to God.  When Jesus came and took sin upon Himself, the ugly haze that covered up the world’s inhabitants was lifted.  No more dirty filter.  All God saw was this tremendous love for us.  

And here I am, putting my own nasty filter over my eyes, and having the audacity to look at God through it.  Who do I think I am?  God didn’t do anything to me, yet I’m putting the sins of others on Him!?!  That’s not going to get me anywhere!  It’s no wonder my relationship with Him has been off kilter the past year or so.  I haven’t been looking at Him right.  I haven’t been viewing Him in all His Divine glory!  I’ve been dressing Him in the clothes scraped off the Goodwill dressing room floor, and wondering why He’s not performing the way I think He ought to!  I now see that my view of God has hindered the actions of God in my life.  That has to stop.  I can’t hope to get anywhere if I won’t let God really and truly do His thing.

3: In this big production called “Life”, I feel like God is the all-too-often-forgotten Stage Manager.  He keeps everything running smoothly.  He handles the props, costumes, lights, curtains, music, and even gives people their lines when they forget them.  There can be horrible calamities that happen backstage, but He handles them all and somehow turns them into an awesome part of the performance.

Yet He gets no credit.  The paparazzi don’t follow Him.  Fans don’t clamor for His autograph.  Magazines don’t call for interviews.  Award shows pass Him over when making their nominations.

Sure, the actors and actresses know the hard work that He puts into it.  They send flowers, wine, and chocolates to His office as a token of their gratitude.

But all of this happens in private.  He has created the stage upon which they play, but when the spotlights go off, they forget about Him.

My eyes have been opened lately, and I’ve seen God doing all this awesome stuff in the background of people’s lives.  Making connections, working out details, opening doors…all this stuff that we don’t even see half the time.  But it’s been done.  We got into that school.  We bought that car.  We moved into that new place.  We got that promotion.  We were offered that internship.  All these wonderful little details that make the stage of our life more alluring, and we chalk it up to fate.  We forget that our past and our future rest in the hands of one kick booty Stage Manager.

Let’s give credit where credit is due people.  Let’s bring God to center stage and make Him take a bow.  Turn the spotlights on and give Him a standing ovation.  Because face it…our lives just couldn’t be that beautiful if He didn’t have a hand in it.

Here’s to You, God. 

Day 1: Now what?

I’ve been struggling as I’m trying to write this first real post. What do I want to say? How much should I say without people getting grossed out by seeing my guts all over their computer screen? How do I write a blog about God, when I’m kinda frustrated with Him?

Yeah, I know…frustrated with the creator of the universe…I must be stupid or something.

But alas, here I am.

I’ve been a Christian for a long time. Since I was 3 actually. Yes, I knew what I was doing when I did it, so haters can back up.  I was one of those kids who just literally loved Jesus.  He was my best friend, and I danced with Him.  I dreamt about Him. I talked to Him, confided in Him. I just genuinely loved Him. Not to say that I don’t now.  He’s still the only one who’s stuck by me through everything. Even now, when He knows I’m frustrated with Him…He just won’t leave me alone. Talk about being a true friend.

My frustrations began in 2005.  I was so full of passion and determination back then. I had a vision, a purpose.  I was sure God was behind me 1000%.  That was probably 1000% of my problem…I thought God was BEHIND me.  I was super involved with my youth group, and we had plans to change our city. But then people got stupid.  It happens to the best of us, but this was the first time it really deeply affected me.  It was messy, as church problems normally are.  People I loved got hurt, and because of that, I got hurt. But more upsetting than that, my dream got crushed.  I had lived and breathed this vision of ours for so long that when it ceased to be, I was devastated.  Why did God do that?  Why did He let people mess up something that could have been so awesome? I mean, He’s GOD for pete’s sake…couldn’t He have slapped some people across the side of the head and pushed them out the way? I couldn’t understand it.  I tried to put the blame on other people, but in truth, I was mad at Him.  I didn’t tell that to Him to His face of course, but I was disappointed. 

I was also disappointed in people.  These people who I had looked up to and respected, people who were CHRISTIANS, were just acting so awful.  It wasn’t the first time I’d seen Christian leaders act stupid, but again, this was the first time if affected me directly.  I couldn’t understand it.  Didn’t they know that I’d looked up to them?  Didn’t they know that they were shaping my view of the church and Christians in general? I was young…not even 16.  How could they do that to me?

I know, I know…we’re all human, we’ve all fallen short of the glory of God. I know that sin gets in and screws things up. I know all that.  But it’s easy to just say that.  It’s hard to really wrap my head and heart around it and just chalk it up to humanity.  It’s hard for me to just shrug it off like that.  I feel like it’s an excuse.  Like we duck behind that, or blame bad stuff on that.

Oh, I’m just human…I’ve fallen short of the glory of God. I’m messed up.

Yeah yeah yeah.  Be quiet.

 

If you’re a Christian, you’re called to a higher standard. Doesn’t mean you’re perfect, but you’re supposed to try to be. 

Maybe that’s my biggest beef right now.  Christians walking around…bearing HIS name…and acting like idiots.  It’s to the point now that I’m ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian.  Not because I’m ashamed of Jesus.  But because I’m ashamed of the people walking around claiming to believe the same thing I do. 

To the Christians in my life…I love you. This isn’t a personal attack on anyone, or any group.  But let’s be honest. Let’s be real.  Christians are as screwed up as “the world”, but we hide under the blanket of God’s grace and say that it’s okay.

But it isn’t!  It’s really not okay, the way we’re acting.

So I’m gonna say it.  I’m screwed up. I have doubts and questions.  I’m bitter at people, and even God.  I’ve been disillusioned, and I feel like my innocence has been lost.  My childlike faith, that I held onto for longer than most…is gone.

That hurts. 

But I think that being honest is a good step.  I think that my sitting here and saying that I’m struggling is a good thing.  Because at least I’m admitting it.  Out loud.  For my fellow Christians and everyone else to see. Because just as I’m being honest with my struggles, I’m being honest that I want it to be better.

I want to be better.  Yes, my childlike innocence may be lost, but the thing about lost stuff…is that it longs to be found.  So I’m looking.