I’ve been struggling as I’m trying to write this first real post. What do I want to say? How much should I say without people getting grossed out by seeing my guts all over their computer screen? How do I write a blog about God, when I’m kinda frustrated with Him?
Yeah, I know…frustrated with the creator of the universe…I must be stupid or something.
But alas, here I am.
I’ve been a Christian for a long time. Since I was 3 actually. Yes, I knew what I was doing when I did it, so haters can back up. I was one of those kids who just literally loved Jesus. He was my best friend, and I danced with Him. I dreamt about Him. I talked to Him, confided in Him. I just genuinely loved Him. Not to say that I don’t now. He’s still the only one who’s stuck by me through everything. Even now, when He knows I’m frustrated with Him…He just won’t leave me alone. Talk about being a true friend.
My frustrations began in 2005. I was so full of passion and determination back then. I had a vision, a purpose. I was sure God was behind me 1000%. That was probably 1000% of my problem…I thought God was BEHIND me. I was super involved with my youth group, and we had plans to change our city. But then people got stupid. It happens to the best of us, but this was the first time it really deeply affected me. It was messy, as church problems normally are. People I loved got hurt, and because of that, I got hurt. But more upsetting than that, my dream got crushed. I had lived and breathed this vision of ours for so long that when it ceased to be, I was devastated. Why did God do that? Why did He let people mess up something that could have been so awesome? I mean, He’s GOD for pete’s sake…couldn’t He have slapped some people across the side of the head and pushed them out the way? I couldn’t understand it. I tried to put the blame on other people, but in truth, I was mad at Him. I didn’t tell that to Him to His face of course, but I was disappointed.
I was also disappointed in people. These people who I had looked up to and respected, people who were CHRISTIANS, were just acting so awful. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen Christian leaders act stupid, but again, this was the first time if affected me directly. I couldn’t understand it. Didn’t they know that I’d looked up to them? Didn’t they know that they were shaping my view of the church and Christians in general? I was young…not even 16. How could they do that to me?
I know, I know…we’re all human, we’ve all fallen short of the glory of God. I know that sin gets in and screws things up. I know all that. But it’s easy to just say that. It’s hard to really wrap my head and heart around it and just chalk it up to humanity. It’s hard for me to just shrug it off like that. I feel like it’s an excuse. Like we duck behind that, or blame bad stuff on that.
Oh, I’m just human…I’ve fallen short of the glory of God. I’m messed up.
Yeah yeah yeah. Be quiet.
If you’re a Christian, you’re called to a higher standard. Doesn’t mean you’re perfect, but you’re supposed to try to be.
Maybe that’s my biggest beef right now. Christians walking around…bearing HIS name…and acting like idiots. It’s to the point now that I’m ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian. Not because I’m ashamed of Jesus. But because I’m ashamed of the people walking around claiming to believe the same thing I do.
To the Christians in my life…I love you. This isn’t a personal attack on anyone, or any group. But let’s be honest. Let’s be real. Christians are as screwed up as “the world”, but we hide under the blanket of God’s grace and say that it’s okay.
But it isn’t! It’s really not okay, the way we’re acting.
So I’m gonna say it. I’m screwed up. I have doubts and questions. I’m bitter at people, and even God. I’ve been disillusioned, and I feel like my innocence has been lost. My childlike faith, that I held onto for longer than most…is gone.
That hurts.
But I think that being honest is a good step. I think that my sitting here and saying that I’m struggling is a good thing. Because at least I’m admitting it. Out loud. For my fellow Christians and everyone else to see. Because just as I’m being honest with my struggles, I’m being honest that I want it to be better.
I want to be better. Yes, my childlike innocence may be lost, but the thing about lost stuff…is that it longs to be found. So I’m looking.
