Throughout this whole “progress”, I’ve been looking behind me. Going over the past again and again, in hopes of finally getting through the crap it left me with. I wanted to get over these events that hardened me towards God. I wanted to let go of these people who hurt me. But I’ve done neither of those things! All I’ve done is get sucked back in by all the disappointments, hurt, and anger. Well you tell me…how productive is that?
Crap happens. It does. And yes, I let it change me. But why the heck do I think that going back over it with a fine tooth comb is going to give me some divine moment of clarity that makes it all better?? I’m not a betting woman, but ten bucks says I could do that for the rest of my life…and never really move forward. Isn’t that what I want? To move forward? To make progress?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
What am I progressing to? I don’t know. Where will this journey end? No idea. I don’t know who I want to be. Or where I want to be. But who cares? I don’t have to know my destination to get in the car and get the hell outta dodge.
No more looking in the rearview mirror. Yeah, all that made me the person I am now. But that’s all I can say for it. To continue to let it define me is giving waaaaaaaay too much power to some crappy people and crappy situations.
Not to mention that God must be ready to slap me upside the head for all this.
Geesh, I actually feel a ton of sympathy for Him. I haven’t been the easiest person to live with. I’ve given Him the cold shoulder more often than not. I’ve ignored Him every time He’s reached out to me. I’ve put human characteristics on Him that He totally doesn’t deserve, or even qualify for. Why on earth does He continue to put up with me?
Because He’s freakin awesome. That’s why. Because He sees something in me that I don’t have the strength to see in myself.
Well I’m over all that. God is awesome. And you know what? I really miss Him.
So I’ve ripped off my rearview mirror, and given it a very un-ceremonious burial in the backyard. Here’s to a new beginning.
*and we all said-- It's about freaking time.*
