Day 7: Observations

1: I know that I’m horribly judgmental of Christians.  I’m not sure whether this is okay or not.  Some Christians think it’s wrong to judge anyone.  Others think we can only judge those IN the church, since Paul said that God would take care of those OUTside the church.  (1 Cor. 5:12-13)  But that bothers me too.  I don’t have the answer, and I know its wrong of me to have this awful “bent” towards Christians…but I do.  It’s there.  Maybe it’s because I’ve lived my whole life being judged by my fellow believers, so it’s just the natural thing to reciprocate.  Maybe I’m so hard on Christians because I feel like we’re sometimes a big fat farce, hiding behind the name of Jesus. 

Whatever the reason behind it may be…I’m pretty sure it’s not okay.  I have this awesome compassion for un-churched people.  For sinners and screwups.  But I can’t turn that same compassion onto my fellow believers.  It’s like it’s not there.  I’m starting to think that that is really hypocritical of me.  I can accept that Jesus loves the least of these…but have a problem thinking about Him being okay with His own followers?  The people who have actually chosen Him?  Yeah, that’s messed up.  I’ve got to get over that.  Because period dot, end of story, Jesus died for everyone.  He loves us all. Prostitute or Deacon.  Worship Leader or Drug dealer. Homosexual or Youth Pastor.  If I truly want to love like He does, and I do, then I gotta lay down my prejudices about the people He’s called to His service.  Even if they do act like donkey butts half the time.

2: Right on the heels of that observation, is this: I’ve been viewing God through the pain and bitterness I feel towards His people.  Now is that just the most stupid thing you’ve ever heard? 

I was riding home the other night when I realized it.  I can’t remember what spurred the thought, but it hit me that I wasn’t being fair to God.  When Jesus came and took sin upon Himself, the ugly haze that covered up the world’s inhabitants was lifted.  No more dirty filter.  All God saw was this tremendous love for us.  

And here I am, putting my own nasty filter over my eyes, and having the audacity to look at God through it.  Who do I think I am?  God didn’t do anything to me, yet I’m putting the sins of others on Him!?!  That’s not going to get me anywhere!  It’s no wonder my relationship with Him has been off kilter the past year or so.  I haven’t been looking at Him right.  I haven’t been viewing Him in all His Divine glory!  I’ve been dressing Him in the clothes scraped off the Goodwill dressing room floor, and wondering why He’s not performing the way I think He ought to!  I now see that my view of God has hindered the actions of God in my life.  That has to stop.  I can’t hope to get anywhere if I won’t let God really and truly do His thing.

3: In this big production called “Life”, I feel like God is the all-too-often-forgotten Stage Manager.  He keeps everything running smoothly.  He handles the props, costumes, lights, curtains, music, and even gives people their lines when they forget them.  There can be horrible calamities that happen backstage, but He handles them all and somehow turns them into an awesome part of the performance.

Yet He gets no credit.  The paparazzi don’t follow Him.  Fans don’t clamor for His autograph.  Magazines don’t call for interviews.  Award shows pass Him over when making their nominations.

Sure, the actors and actresses know the hard work that He puts into it.  They send flowers, wine, and chocolates to His office as a token of their gratitude.

But all of this happens in private.  He has created the stage upon which they play, but when the spotlights go off, they forget about Him.

My eyes have been opened lately, and I’ve seen God doing all this awesome stuff in the background of people’s lives.  Making connections, working out details, opening doors…all this stuff that we don’t even see half the time.  But it’s been done.  We got into that school.  We bought that car.  We moved into that new place.  We got that promotion.  We were offered that internship.  All these wonderful little details that make the stage of our life more alluring, and we chalk it up to fate.  We forget that our past and our future rest in the hands of one kick booty Stage Manager.

Let’s give credit where credit is due people.  Let’s bring God to center stage and make Him take a bow.  Turn the spotlights on and give Him a standing ovation.  Because face it…our lives just couldn’t be that beautiful if He didn’t have a hand in it.

Here’s to You, God. 

Day 1: Now what?

I’ve been struggling as I’m trying to write this first real post. What do I want to say? How much should I say without people getting grossed out by seeing my guts all over their computer screen? How do I write a blog about God, when I’m kinda frustrated with Him?

Yeah, I know…frustrated with the creator of the universe…I must be stupid or something.

But alas, here I am.

I’ve been a Christian for a long time. Since I was 3 actually. Yes, I knew what I was doing when I did it, so haters can back up.  I was one of those kids who just literally loved Jesus.  He was my best friend, and I danced with Him.  I dreamt about Him. I talked to Him, confided in Him. I just genuinely loved Him. Not to say that I don’t now.  He’s still the only one who’s stuck by me through everything. Even now, when He knows I’m frustrated with Him…He just won’t leave me alone. Talk about being a true friend.

My frustrations began in 2005.  I was so full of passion and determination back then. I had a vision, a purpose.  I was sure God was behind me 1000%.  That was probably 1000% of my problem…I thought God was BEHIND me.  I was super involved with my youth group, and we had plans to change our city. But then people got stupid.  It happens to the best of us, but this was the first time it really deeply affected me.  It was messy, as church problems normally are.  People I loved got hurt, and because of that, I got hurt. But more upsetting than that, my dream got crushed.  I had lived and breathed this vision of ours for so long that when it ceased to be, I was devastated.  Why did God do that?  Why did He let people mess up something that could have been so awesome? I mean, He’s GOD for pete’s sake…couldn’t He have slapped some people across the side of the head and pushed them out the way? I couldn’t understand it.  I tried to put the blame on other people, but in truth, I was mad at Him.  I didn’t tell that to Him to His face of course, but I was disappointed. 

I was also disappointed in people.  These people who I had looked up to and respected, people who were CHRISTIANS, were just acting so awful.  It wasn’t the first time I’d seen Christian leaders act stupid, but again, this was the first time if affected me directly.  I couldn’t understand it.  Didn’t they know that I’d looked up to them?  Didn’t they know that they were shaping my view of the church and Christians in general? I was young…not even 16.  How could they do that to me?

I know, I know…we’re all human, we’ve all fallen short of the glory of God. I know that sin gets in and screws things up. I know all that.  But it’s easy to just say that.  It’s hard to really wrap my head and heart around it and just chalk it up to humanity.  It’s hard for me to just shrug it off like that.  I feel like it’s an excuse.  Like we duck behind that, or blame bad stuff on that.

Oh, I’m just human…I’ve fallen short of the glory of God. I’m messed up.

Yeah yeah yeah.  Be quiet.

 

If you’re a Christian, you’re called to a higher standard. Doesn’t mean you’re perfect, but you’re supposed to try to be. 

Maybe that’s my biggest beef right now.  Christians walking around…bearing HIS name…and acting like idiots.  It’s to the point now that I’m ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian.  Not because I’m ashamed of Jesus.  But because I’m ashamed of the people walking around claiming to believe the same thing I do. 

To the Christians in my life…I love you. This isn’t a personal attack on anyone, or any group.  But let’s be honest. Let’s be real.  Christians are as screwed up as “the world”, but we hide under the blanket of God’s grace and say that it’s okay.

But it isn’t!  It’s really not okay, the way we’re acting.

So I’m gonna say it.  I’m screwed up. I have doubts and questions.  I’m bitter at people, and even God.  I’ve been disillusioned, and I feel like my innocence has been lost.  My childlike faith, that I held onto for longer than most…is gone.

That hurts. 

But I think that being honest is a good step.  I think that my sitting here and saying that I’m struggling is a good thing.  Because at least I’m admitting it.  Out loud.  For my fellow Christians and everyone else to see. Because just as I’m being honest with my struggles, I’m being honest that I want it to be better.

I want to be better.  Yes, my childlike innocence may be lost, but the thing about lost stuff…is that it longs to be found.  So I’m looking. 

Why believer's progress?

The inspiration for this blog came from three separate events in the past month.  That’s only the inspiration behind it though. The content of this blog has been building for the last…oh I don’t know…the last nine years? Some people would say it’s about dang time I got it out. I happen to agree.

But back to the events that led me here.

My husband and I had a meeting with a good friend of ours, the same friend who did some pre-marital counseling with us. While we were talking, the subject of church came up, and we started talking about what the church was missing. In a word…Authenticity.  So it follows that since churches are made up of “Christians”…it’s us Christians who aren’t being very authentic.  We’re not being real.  Event number one.

While we were in Texas a few weeks ago, I had a chance to visit with my brothers.  My younger brother, Lawrence is attending Bible School in Dallas, and has grown up considerably in his time there.  To be frank, the kid’s smart.  So while I’m visiting my baby brother, he  starts to speak into my life.  He can do this like nobody else can, because he’s also my best friend.  And again, the kid’s got his head on his shoulders.  He starts pushing me, asking me questions about my life…my relationships…my faith.  He knows me better than almost anyone, an he was able to get straight to the heart of the matter. Basically, he told me to grow up, let things go, and move on.  Event number 2.

 A few days later, we rendezvous with my older “brother” and his family. Small talk permeated the visit, until we were about to leave.  In the parking lot, under the blazing Texas sun, Phil wraps me in his arms and gives it to me straight.

“Don’t waste time being bitter Chelsea. You’ve got too much stuff inside you to waste. Get over it. Let it go. It’s not worth it.” Event number 3.

So what’s the big deal?  How do these events coincide and bring us here today?

I’ve finally “seen the light”. I’m over missing out on what God has for me because I’m scared of being hurt. And I’m tired of rubbing my face in this pent up bitterness, like it’s this comforting thing.  I’m not helping anyone by bottling this all up, including myself.   So here I am, being real about it. Being authentic.

Yeah, you get it now right?

This blog is going to serve as a way for me to be an authentic Christian.  To be real about the things I’ve been carrying for too long.  I’m not gonna cover anything up, but rather get over my issues here, where everyone can see them.  Not because I want your pity, or even your encouragement.  What I want is to be real. I want to be honest in saying that I’m not okay, but I want to be. I want to be real and say that yeah, I'm a Christian and I love Jesus...but I'm hurting. 


Maybe some of you have had the same hurts as me. Maybe you've already gotten over them, or are holding onto them too close, like me. Maybe this blog will encourage you, maybe not. Maybe it will just refresh you, give you hope in seeing that it's okay to be honest about the crap in your life. 


Loving Jesus isn't like putting on a pretty mask to hide my ugly acne. I don't have to pretend that it isn't there. Rather, loving Jesus is like putting a big spot of bright blue medicine on every...single...pimple, and letting the people around me watch as it slowly clears up my skin. 

So here goes...